Confessions of a confused soul - 17 - I Am a chronic overthinker

 

As I stand there, thinking about my next move, my heart is thumping, my fingers are twitching, my eyes are glazed, and my head is buzzing. 

I feel like am in a game of chess, but am not playing it, I am just a pawn in the mercy of the hands that are playing me. 

Damn! Why is this so hard?

Uff......... I try to breathe slowly to calm myself down. It's ok dear heart, you have thought this through.

I have thought this through

Really have thought this through. 

Being the President of the Overthinking Club means that I have thought through every possible way it can be thought about. I have dissected this like a frog in a lab - emotionally and irrationally

I have prepared myself for every kind of rejection. 

You might be confused - I will handle it with explaining myself clearly, 

Surprised - I will be gentle to break it calmly

Run away from me - There is a solid possibility that you can run away, that's why am cornering you in the classroom, where you have less options to consider 

You might declare me insane - Well, you know overthinking can be called a form of insanity.... I might just accept it, just for the sake of it

You might talk about me with your friends - Well, you might already do even without this situation, so that thing is already part of my nightmares

Laugh - Oh my, if you laugh I might just die of embarrassment, but I will take it will poise and dignity. 

Am prepared.... Elegance and poise, that's my middle name. Or names.... hmmm something to overthink later. 

And yet... I didn't think of this

As I stand there, my heart is thumping, my fingers are twitching and I see your smile in response to my confession about my feelings 

You smiled.

You actually smiled

No mental file. No rehearsed response. 

In all those scenarios of overthinking, I didn't once think about how will I react if you accept me.