Silence

Silence was something she associated with very well. She was a calm, patient person from the moment she opened her eyes. Through family, schools and college, silence was something everybody expected of her. The major part of her small world was silent and she loved it. Married to a soft and calm guy, gave her leave to be silent further in her life. She loved her routine silent life and didn’t want to change a thing in it. Silence had a capacity to soothe her, it had a depth to allure her. Until one day....

Sadvi was feeling nauseous and tired that day, her health was her strong point. She was a very very healthy person and she worked well to keep it like that. But that day was different. She didn’t want to dwell on that so she took a leave and took rest. Felt happy that Sourav wanted to stay back to look after her, but she shooed him away and took rest.

Her condition didn’t improve the next day or the next day or the next day. On the fourth day she finally decided to visit the doctor. The visit to the doctor revealed that she was in perfect health and the possibility that she might be pregnant. She smiled all the way to the home and by the time she picked up the phone to call Sourav she was crying with happiness.

The next day she took a pregnancy test and was almost, almost jumping up and down with joy. With the knowledge that her child is growing inside her. She was bursting with joy and happiness. She didn’t know what she had to do immediately. She cleared her head for a minute and called her mom. And then it started, Chaos.

Between tears Sadvi called her mom “Mom, mom. I am so so so happy, am pregnant. “

“Really, you are not kidding right Sadvi. Oh my sweet girl, you are making me a grandmom. Am so happy. There are so many things to do. I will leave immediately so that by tomorrow I can see your glowing face dear.”

And true to her words Sadvi’s mom was there by her side the next day morning. She started her work immediately. She monitored her food, her sleep and her work. For which Sadvi and Saurav both were grateful.

The days filled up with happy anticipation, chatter and congratulations. Everyday was a new story of doing something to help her child and her. 3^rd month came and went, by then everybody knew her good news. Sadvi was treated like a princess; there was no silence in her world. It was filled with laughter and smiles, care and kinds. She blissfully drifted off to sleep every night counting of the days left for the big day.

She regularly visited doctor and the doctor assured her everytime, that she and her child both were healthy. Life took a happy turn and for the first time in Sadvi’s life she embraced sounds more than silence. She never knew she could love sounds and so many of them. The small chatter, the pittar patter, the whispers of love, the smiles of content. So many thoughts in her head chorusing, carressing her. She thought with joy "Oh she could live with sounds very happily". She imagined her life further with baby, baby sounds, the first time the baby will start talking. Never  had she anticipated she will eagerly wait for the sounds in her life. She wanted sounds, music, noise, choas.

5^th month came and Sadvi had picked up the wall colour of nursery, designed a scrapbook for the first pictures, left her job as she wanted to be a stay at home mom for the child, got lots of pregnancy clothes for the further months. She had planned out every possible needs for her and the child in the coming months. And with it came the kicking of her child. The first indication that there is really a living soul in her womb. Her child was kicking and making known of the existence. She loved every moment of it, she loved being pampered, she loved being pregnant, she loved standing in front of mirror gazing at her stomach and fondly caressing it, as if she could touch the child. Every night she slept trying to figure out how the baby might look. She never considered thinking of boy or girl, because the day she came to know she was pregnant, she knew it wouldn’t matter.

6^th month came and her family started planning her baby shower or womb ceremony (Simantha). This was the first grandchild of both the families, they wanted to beam to the world and gloat their happiness. Everybody who is anybody was invited, preparations started with hustle and bustle. Everybody was busy running around her, shouting, laughing, inviting and in between asking if she wants anything. Sadvi never remembered so much of activity in her life. Her life was filled with activity and sounds inside and out. And she loved it, she loved the talks, the laughter and she also loved the overbearing protection for her.

That night was as normal as any other night, but that changed by the time the clock struck one. The small pain which started on her right leg was ignored for most part of the hour to finally when she couldn’t ignore it anymore. The pain spread to her abdomen and then she knew something was wrong. Sadvi woke up Saurav immediately screeching at the top of her voice that something is wrong, because she was very sure that what she was feeling were contractions. But this was not supposed to happen she was just at the end of her sixth month she was not supposed to have contractions at all. She was supposed to sleep peacefully dreaming about her baby.

Saurav snapped out of his slumber and immediately called her doctor and upon her instructions, immediately took Sadvi to the hospital. By the time they reached the hospital, Sadvi was writhing from pain, she was crying and willing herself to calm down but she couldn’t tolerate the pain, so much pain that in between the pains she used to lose her consciousness.

She was admitted immediately and her doctor informed that the baby is coming out. She was having a premature delivery. She was immediately taken to perform a C-Section. A beautiful baby boy was born, with lots of hair; he was very tiny with softest skin.

Doctor informed Saurav “Her cervix is weak that is the reason she had a premature delivery. The baby at this time of development looks fine but we have to wait and see, right now he is not able to breathe on his own and there is risk as his organs would not have developed fully. I can’t give any assurances, I can only say that we got to wait and see”

Saurav understood the underlying meaning of all this and he didn’t know how to explain this to Sadvi. His sweet, nice, calm Sadvi about the storm their child was facing.

When Sadvi regained consciousness she had no idea, where she is and why. By the time she remembered everything, she didn’t know if her baby survived or not. Her mind was screaming with agony and pain, while her heart was already preparing to grieve.

“No baby can survive if it is born so early” she thought. She didn’t have the courage to ask about it, she didn’t want to make her baby’s death real. But then Saurav came and assured her that her son was alive.

Sadvi let out a breath of relief and tear-filled eyes asked him if the baby was healthy and alright. She blabbered that she knew he would be tiny and maybe not fully developed but she asked again and again if the baby was fine. She didn’t want to look at Saurav’s eyes and see tears there. She just pulled him closer and closer and asked again and again if the baby was fine.

Saurav didn’t know what to say but he had a responsibility to tell the mother that her child needed her. Saurav steeled himself and said “Sadvi, he is alive but barely. His organs are not fully developed and he still can’t breathe on his own. The only thing we can do now is wait and pray.”

Then Sadvi looked up to see his eyes. She asked “Can I see him, can I touch him. Please I need to touch him. I need to make sure he is real. Please”

Saurav enquired with the nurse, questioned the doctor and literally fought with the authorities to let his wife see their child.  When Saurav wheeled Sadvi inside the Neo-natal intensive care unit, Sadvi had steeled herself and thought she would brave everything she will not lose control. Her child needed her now. He needed his mother to support him.

Her son was very tiny, he was already stuck up with tubes larger than himself in his body. Sadvi couldn’t hold her tears. Saurav laid an assuring hand on her shoulder which she grasped tightly and was thankful for that support or else she would have broken down. She had to be strong now.

She touched his tiny hand and whispered “Hey there little guy. How are you doing, oh you are so handsome, so so handsome. You are going to break hearts when you grow up. Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you. You know you have huge family with two grandma and two grandpa and numerous uncles and aunts. Everybody is waiting for you. They all love you so much already and if they see your sweet face, they would never ever going to leave you. You have so many people already wound around your tiny fingers......”

Sadvi continued this talk with her son for a long time. She was wheeled away to complete her rest and next morning the doctors informed that her son was making progress. She smiled. This went on for three days, she visited him, talked to him all the time and he would make progress. Fourth day morning she was talking to him about her dreams of him, when he spasmed and had a full blown seizure. Suddenly that silent Neonatal unit was filled with doctors and nurses and sounds and talks. In between all these chaos her little son’s life slipped away from her hands.

Sadvi was shocked, stunned. She didn’t know what to say. The doctors kept trying to revive him for some time, but by that time Sadvi knew that she had lost her baby, she had lost her son.

That night she cried and cried, she remembered all the times from the day her pregnancy got confirmed and grieved for her son. She hated people offering condolances, she cringed from those who showed pity. And she grieved for a long time. She was home, all her family had gone back, everybody were back to their life. Everybody showed their empathy, smypathy. Words words everywhere and the world was silent again. Sadvi tried to find her usual solace from silence.But silence which was her private corner of her world wouldnt soothe her anymore.  She wanted that sounds and choas back in her so that she can forget her grief. Now silence wasn't her safe place, it was a prison, in which she had imprisoned herself for life.