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Confessions of a confused soul - 7

" I know what you are thinking. That I always act like this. That I always make a mess and you have to clean it up.

That's not the only version of our relationship you know. You mess up too. More than you can imagine or realize.

Remember the time you got drunk in college party?

What about when you got so jealous of me for winning that stupid debate?

You are not perfect either you know. You have flaws too.

Yeah am lazy. Also have a problem with authority. Maybe I don't listen to you all the time. And its you who always calls not me. But still you are also not perfect.

You are so competitive, I mean you should thank me that I am lazy enough to not compete with you.

You are so girly. Why they hell should your lipstick match your shoes? I can never understand that part - I dont think anybody does.

And why do you get to get angry in every one of our fights. This time its freaking my turn to be angry. I am not going to mop around and wonder how to pacify you.

And am definitely…

Hold my hand

“Sana, are you ready?” Karan enquired soothingly to his 5 year old daughter. She looked up from her strap on shoes and gave an exasperated look to her father “Dad, this takes time. I need to get it right, don’t I?”
Karan smiled fondly towards his over-smart daughter. Like every Saturday evening he was taking her out to play in the park.  As soon as Sana was ready she jumped and ran towards the door.
Karan followed behind her, his voice getting louder by the word “Sana, don’t run towards the street.” Sana was very patiently standing near the gate smiling back at her dad.
Karan smiled but the words seemed to tug a very old memory of his. He let it go for now and took his daughter to her park. As soon as they entered the park, it was like they had entered Sana’s kingdom, she just very easily let go of him and ran towards her friends.
As Karan let go of her hand, followed her in a brisk pace. He found his usual spot from where he can keep an eye on her and also enjoy the beauty of the park.…

Confessions of a confused soul - 6 - spring cleaning

There you are walking down the corridor. As if the world is under your feet. Am I included in the world ?... It doesn't matter now, is it?

We met, we bonded and then. And then we stagnated. We didn't move on, we didn't move forward, we didn't even back away or change course. We just stayed, decaying whatever we had between us. I have felt it turning putrid and rotten.

You who occupied a big corner office in my heart, just left it there to ruin away into haunted place. But then I thought it is my space, my heart, its my responsibility too to maintain it. Alas it's easier said than done. I stood outside it days and days, just willing myself to rebuild it. 

Finally it was you who gave me the push. And what a gift on my birthday you gave. While the whole world was wishing me with all the love, you couldn't find common courtesy to wish a fellow companion. May be I never occupied even a closet in your heart.

There was always a thread bonding me to you, tugging me towards…

Confessions of a confused soul - 5

"Nobody ever thought to explain how I will feel when I fall in love. Or maybe it is different for everybody!!! I wonder... 

I have loved people, my family, my friends, one of my ex-girlfriend, that first crush in school. But never felt this gut wrenching feeling of possession towards anybody. 

When did this happen?? How did this happen?? I never planned to fall in love with her, I doubt she ever tried to make me fall in love either. 

I wonder...Did I fall in love the first time I saw her under that tree in the busy street!!

Or was it when she smiled at me in that all-knowing-woman smile

Maybe it was the first time when she hugged me, felt like all soft and tenderness was wrapped up and was gifted to me. 

Or was it the first time she took care when I was ill, so much care and worry creased her face that I wanted to get well faster just so I can smooth out the lines on her forehead.

And then I wonder again... I cant discount the first kiss, when those soft beautiful lips touched mine.. I …

Confessions of a confused soul - 4

"I see you smile and my heart melts. Every time your brush your hair back, my heart trips over itself. The sunlight on your hair makes me crazy. I have been your admirer for long. I know I should have expressed myself long gone. But whenever I spruce up my courage, I fill my heart with confidence and then I see you smile and it melts.
I want to tell you a thousand things, want to express my feelings. But all I can think of is your smile. I want to tell you how much I care. No matter what happens it will stay.

Sometimes I wonder if you are looking for me, I feel you thinking or remembering about me. Its very odd for a guy to feel a stare. But I cant stop wondering if you care.

On those lonely long days, I wonder if you are alone, feeling lonely somewhere or is someone loving you. Its not jealously that I feel, I didn't lie when I said I care. I just want you to be happy, even if it is not with me.

You know what to say, when and where. Am not so well versed in putting my thoughts i…

Confessions of a Confused soul - 3

"I love you, I really do. But seems like you would never fully believe it. I am so confused, how to convince you. 
Romance doesn't start with eye contact and end with physical contact. Even though I don't tell you, I miss you when am away. Even though I never show you, I remember all your nuances. Maybe you didn't notice, but I mind even the small small comforts you desire. I may not be overtly romantic physically, but I cant stop myself from touching you even in passing. I may not stick to your side everywhere, but my eyes search you in a gathering. When  you smile that's morning, I cant leave home without hugging you. It matters to me if you don't like something. Even though I don't reply as much as you, I smile while messaging you. 
I don't know to talk like you, I never express my feelings. But you are a self acclaimed romantic. Can't you read my actions, my eyes, my smiles.
I love you, I really do. There is nothing else I can do. I love you, I do…

confessions of a confused soul - 2

"Stop acting like a lost teenage girl high on harmones"... His words haunting me again and again. "Did I really talk like that?". I close my eyes to feel the morbid humiliation make my body cold inside out. 
"Your emotions are suffocating me" I can hear his words again, as if he is standing near. I open my eyes to find myself alone.... and empty. 
"Suffocating??!!! my care is suffocating!!"... 
Nobody had every rejected my care, my love, my attentions. I am used to people craving for me. "Was I really over reacting like a teenage girl??"
I could not answer my questions. "Maybe I was. Why would anybody tell me to love less??" 
It doesn't make sense. The anguish and pain I was feeling in my heart was just escalating. My body felt ice cold. I opened my eyes to see nothing, I wrapped my hands around me to warm myself. But I shivered, shivered with pain and loneliness.
"Can I not deal with emotions like a matured person I pride…

One summer afternoon...

This post has been published by me as a part of Blog-a-Ton 55; the fifty-fifth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. In association with Rashmi Kumar, the author of Hooked, Lined and Single and Jyoti Arora, the author of Lemon Girl. . Saritha looked up towards the clear sky, there was not a speck of cloud just sparkling blue. She mumbled to herself "looks like it might rain". Then she shouted looking towards the balcony "Ramya, bring down the clothes. Looks like it might rain"
Ramya who was cleaning the balcony peeked up towards the sky to see clear beautiful blue, she frowned and shouted back "Its ok ma, it is still very sunny. Let the clothes dry"
It was a typical saturday afternoon in Ramnath Rao's house. Saritha was in the kitchen clearing up the dishes, Ramya was cleaning some part of the house, Chintu was already down for the afternoon nap, Ramesh was working on his computer and Ramnath Rao was trying hard t…

confessions of a confused soul - 1

"I miss you.. Can I say that to you??  

Maybe.!!! 

But its not like we share confidences, hell sometimes we don't even get to say hi.

We don't share secrets. Most of the times we react by just a smile.

We never discuss unless you count innumerable unrelated view points we shared.

We dodge the personal questions. We evade answering reasons.

We never properly end the talk. Nor pick it up where we left off.

There are lots of loose ends. We try to stay as unaffected as possible, but still there is something flowing between us.

Which makes me miss you. Miss the broken talks. The ambiguous smiles and nods. 

The unwanted discussions and unrelated topics.

Miss the underlying tension in anticipating each other's response.

The dumb acting when forced to reveal a hand.

I miss you and that is where I stand.

No other emotion plagues my mind. Am completely sane and sound.

I miss you with no strings attached. You don't need to miss me am that detached."