Skip to main content

Confessions of a confused soul - 5

"Nobody ever thought to explain how I will feel when I fall in love. Or maybe it is different for everybody!!! I wonder... 

I have loved people, my family, my friends, one of my ex-girlfriend, that first crush in school. But never felt this gut wrenching feeling of possession towards anybody. 

When did this happen?? How did this happen?? I never planned to fall in love with her, I doubt she ever tried to make me fall in love either. 

I wonder...Did I fall in love the first time I saw her under that tree in the busy street!!

Or was it when she smiled at me in that all-knowing-woman smile

Maybe it was the first time when she hugged me, felt like all soft and tenderness was wrapped up and was gifted to me. 

Or was it the first time she took care when I was ill, so much care and worry creased her face that I wanted to get well faster just so I can smooth out the lines on her forehead.

And then I wonder again... I cant discount the first kiss, when those soft beautiful lips touched mine.. I cant forget the electricity which passed through me. 

But it doesn't matter how and when I fell in love, what matters is "If" I have really fallen in love.

Does it feel like this all the time?? 

The possessiveness when am with her, to hold her and may stare down every guy nearby to claim my stake on her. 

The urge to give her every possible happiness even if it kills me. Feels like I can never get enough of her. Protect her to the point of smothering her. While I am so content just by being with her, listening to her, smelling her, touching her hand. And when i miss her I feel like someone's torn my guts out from my body. 

And when I think of her leaving me I feel a big empty hole just eating me from inside out. 

Huh... I wonder.. Am I irrevocably in love.??

Maybe I am :) 





Comments

  1. Beautifully explained or rather constructed that feel brick by brick.

    Love is a four letter word, but it fills the life or empties the life..no doubt the love always starts with a light confusion or slight realisation.

    Nivi you are back again with one more fairy tale..

    Nice nice...and i would like to say again..nivi's speical on the horizon again..super

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Best Friend"

It was a mild evening with light breeze, the clouds were threatening a rainy night. And as usual Rakshith and Vani were seated at their favourite coffee shop, at their usual timings, having their usual cup of coffee and unwinding after a long day at work.
Neither ever found to fill up all the silence with chattering they were as comfortable with silence as with words. Sometimes they preferred silence more than words. It was jolt from a silent pondering when Rakshith's phone pinged.
He smiled apologetically while he looked at his message. As usual after checking his message he scrolled his facebook timeline and chuckled. Vani as usual knew he would do what he did and asked, "Who said what?"
He set his phone down and said, somebody has asked a question "What do you mean by "best friend"?
She smiled while sipping at her cup, both enjoying the companiable silence and the hot cuppa in hand.
As was their habit, today was her turn to pay for the coffee and his turn to…

Confessions - 10 doors

She stood watching the door he had just closed walking out. For a moment nothing worked, her brain, her body, her mind, her conscience.. even her breath had stopped. Then she took a long breath and everything started at a time. The explosions in her mind, the devastation in heart, the thundering thoughts in her brain. All she could do was stare at the closed door. 
Pain pierced through her soul like a hot knife through a wound. She struggled to breath, all she wanted to do was howl at the fate which made her stand here and feel this horrible feeling. But she couldn't produce a sound, even call his name. To call him back to her. 
She collapsed on the floor as her knees buckled. Held her midriff in a embrace so tight. The coldness of the situation was settling there and spreading everywhere. And finally a tear broke the barriers and rolled down. 
The gush of tears which flowed down her cheeks were unnoticed, as her heart cried out. The edge of the pain dulled to a throbbing ache in her…

Confessions - 11 - seasonal friend

Journal entry - 372
I wonder what power he holds on me. I could never stop his arrival or his departure. He breaks my heart everytime and I swear I will never let him ... Everytime.
He comes when he wants, when he feels lonely. I asked him "Did you miss me?" and he replies "Once someone is yours, you will always  miss them"... I smiled within myself, only to notice later he never answered my question.
He has an alluring charm that I can't escape and to make matters worse when he is here I don't want to escape. And if you think for a moment that he pampers me and spoils me crazy while he is visiting. You can't be more wrong while I rectify you that he never opens his heart enough to show it to me. 
Oh he cares, I know he does, atleast I feel he does. Is that the only thread am holding onto?? 
I wonder how will he respond if he reads this. But then again I know how he will respond, he would say "everything is an illusion, the emotions, the love, the care …