"Stop acting like a lost teenage girl high on harmones"... His words haunting me again and again. "Did I really talk like that?". I close my eyes to feel the morbid humiliation make my body cold inside out.
"Your emotions are suffocating me" I can hear his words again, as if he is standing near. I open my eyes to find myself alone.... and empty.
"Suffocating??!!! my care is suffocating!!"...
Nobody had every rejected my care, my love, my attentions. I am used to people craving for me. "Was I really over reacting like a teenage girl??"
I could not answer my questions. "Maybe I was. Why would anybody tell me to love less??"
It doesn't make sense. The anguish and pain I was feeling in my heart was just escalating. My body felt ice cold. I opened my eyes to see nothing, I wrapped my hands around me to warm myself. But I shivered, shivered with pain and loneliness.
"Can I not deal with emotions like a matured person I pride myself to be??"
"No" His voice taunted me again.
Tears flowed unbidden without a sob. Like my heart was not crying but pushing out unwanted tears out of my body.
"Do I fall back to my teenage mind when ever am emotionally insecure??!!"
"Yes" There was his voice again. But now I wondered "Was it taunting or answering?"
I curled myself more and hugged myself tighter.
"Am I insecure??!"
"You are" .... he said..... I wondered...
I closed my eyes again. The darkness was welcome, I didnt want to see that I was alone. I already felt it.
He left me. He just walked away leaving me broken. "Should I blame him??! Or myself??"
My breaths were becoming short and sharp. Like there is not enough oxygen left in the room anymore. It was suffocating. "Did he feel like how I feel now??!"
I couldn't answer that. I didn't know if I should answer that. I didn't know if I can answer that.
"Did I really suffocate him so much??!"
"Maybe I did."
"But how could I have become this person?"
Reasons and logic was not working. Emotions, tides and tides of emotions were drowning me. My brain was frozen, My heart was overworking.
Emotions. Everywhere. No place to breath. Just raw feel.
I don't know how long I was like this. Minutes... Hours.. Days....
I remember dreaming. Maybe I fell asleep.
I was in a dark place filled with water. No place to go anywhere. I woke up screaming.
"Suffocation" The word was vibrating in my heart.
I drew a big breath. It was not hitching anymore. My heart was hurting, my head was throbbing but I could breath now. I inhaled deep again. This room smelled of him. I smiled.... It was always home, the smell of him.
Maybe that's where everything went wrong. He was my home and I was his vacation.
Something clicked into place, like I found a way out of this maze. "Did I??"
Maybe I did, I don't know yet. I have to feel it. But I was afraid to feel.
I tapped into my last resolve of my confidence and drew a big breath again. It smelled of him. "I can't think here. I need to get out"
I walked out, the rain had just stopped. I drew a big breath. Fresh. New. Clean.
My brain started working again. My logic and reasoning returned.
I smiled. I felt myself again.
I didnt want to think. My thoughts were clouding me. But I knew one truth. "I was suffocating him"
"Why?? How ?? When??.." Hundred questions. I didnt want to answer.
But I knew the truth. And I need to claim it.
I have to let him go. I have to let him breath.
I smiled. My heart was not overworking. The ache was there, But it was not paining when I thought to let him go. I felt myself again.
And not my 16 year old self.
"Should I blame him??! Or myself??". I have no answer. But I knew better now.
I should let her go. For him to breath and me to love, I should let her go.
I felt light, fresh and clean.