Confessions 13 - Selfish

Did you ever imagine what happens when someone you love dies. When you realize that the warmth of their body will seep away before you held them one last time, the light in their eyes fade away before you saw them smiling for the last time, the beat of their heart will stop before you feel its vibration beneath your hand for that last time.

You knew it would happen someday, I knew it would happen someday .. But I never thought it will happen to us on that day, at that moment. Time being time was cruel enough to not let me even get a good bye before you left, but time being time was also kind enough to not let you suffer in pain.

It took me days to finally utter a word, months to finally breathe without pain, infinite time to spend a moment without a tear. All my energy was spent in convincing the kind offers of companionship that was not needed. After all am an independent person with a strong determined soul. I should be able to shoulder my own pain. Isn't it??!! Or so I thought. 

And no, before you ask me .. I didn't feel alone. Because dearest, even though you always told me never to be selfish in love, But I wanted to be selfish in my grief. I wanted to grieve you with myself. For everytime I tried to find your scent in your clothes I didn't want to pityful eyes playing guardian, for everytime I turned with a smile to share a thought with you, I didn't want a sympathetic pat on my hand. And everytime I just wanted to scream and cry my eyes out, I didnt want to hide in my bedroom pressed against a pillow to stifle the sound. 

I was selfish in your grief, for one last time I wanted you only to myself. I was selfish in your grief for when I touched your things, I wanted to smile remembering your pleasure and not feel guilty about it. I was never selfish in my love, which you taught me. You who openly loved every living soul. But you never taught me how to love without you.

But dearest don't begrudge me for I was selfish in your grief for you are no more there to share my love.