Confessions of a confused soul - 8

There is a line which is unexpressed but never to be crossed. Every relationship is defined by certain limits, certain untold unexpressed rules. 

You have taken the liberty to cross that many times. But rather than blaming you, I just think I let you cross that line. In a wrong conception that you are being honest with me. That better a honest hurt than a sugarcoated lie. 

But still I am person, person who has emotions, who feels, who loves, who cares and who is hurt. You didn't take that into consideration when you said what you said and did what you did.

You took a beautiful emotion, a heartfelt affection and ridiculed it. I wonder sometimes what made me forgive you all those times when you insulted it, insulted me. Was I so blind to your cruelty ???

Me, who always saw the logic of everything.. How could I not see the logic of staying away from you the first time you humiliated my person. Then I wonder, maybe am not that practical, maybe its a good thing. Because if I had not stayed around, I would have never realized this evil streak in you. I would have always remembered you, missed you and wish with all my heart that we didn't break up. 

I still love you. What I am feeling right now has nothing to do with the fact that I love you and will always love you. Because I still believe that the person I thought I saw in you was not a lie. But I cant let the part that loves you make the whole me into a miserable being who will tolerate the remaining you. 

Because I regretfully accept that there is more than that person in you. Those qualities which I thought were endearing were actually your pride talking. Those words which I thought were highly intellectual were your ego boosting. Those affections I thought which showed you cared about me were actually your way of self - advertising. 

After all this pondering, I still wonder.. I understand I might have misread your expressions, But why did you want to be with me? 

It was like you cant tolerate my presence nor bear to stay away from me. Or was it some sadistic pleasure you got by poking me where it hurt every time? What was it that you got from being with me? You were definitely not misreading my emotions. Which you made quite clear......  Or was I as misleading as you were????

Or am I misreading again.!!!!!

Maybe I am. It feels like our whole relationship is still standing because am not able to let go of you. 

But now, I don't have to worry, overthink or try reading your signals again. Because it is time I walk out of here.  Just because am walking out, doesn't mean I wanted to. But there's only so much a person can take. And I have reached the edge of my patience. 

I wish you happiness in your future without me. But don't even try to be part of mine ever again.

Love you.