Skip to main content

Confessions of a confused soul - 8



There is a line which is unexpressed but never to be crossed. Every relationship is defined by certain limits, certain untold unexpressed rules. 

You have taken the liberty to cross that many times. But rather than blaming you, I just think I let you cross that line. In a wrong conception that you are being honest with me. That better a honest hurt than a sugarcoated lie. 

But still I am person, person who has emotions, who feels, who loves, who cares and who is hurt. You didn't take that into consideration when you said what you said and did what you did.

You took a beautiful emotion, a heartfelt affection and ridiculed it. I wonder sometimes what made me forgive you all those times when you insulted it, insulted me. Was I so blind to your cruelty ???

Me, who always saw the logic of everything.. How could I not see the logic of staying away from you the first time you humiliated my person. Then I wonder, maybe am not that practical, maybe its a good thing. Because if I had not stayed around, I would have never realized this evil streak in you. I would have always remembered you, missed you and wish with all my heart that we didn't break up. 

I still love you. What I am feeling right now has nothing to do with the fact that I love you and will always love you. Because I still believe that the person I thought I saw in you was not a lie. But I cant let the part that loves you make the whole me into a miserable being who will tolerate the remaining you. 

Because I regretfully accept that there is more than that person in you. Those qualities which I thought were endearing were actually your pride talking. Those words which I thought were highly intellectual were your ego boosting. Those affections I thought which showed you cared about me were actually your way of self - advertising. 

After all this pondering, I still wonder.. I understand I might have misread your expressions, But why did you want to be with me? 

It was like you cant tolerate my presence nor bear to stay away from me. Or was it some sadistic pleasure you got by poking me where it hurt every time? What was it that you got from being with me? You were definitely not misreading my emotions. Which you made quite clear......  Or was I as misleading as you were????

Or am I misreading again.!!!!!

Maybe I am. It feels like our whole relationship is still standing because am not able to let go of you. 

But now, I don't have to worry, overthink or try reading your signals again. Because it is time I walk out of here.  Just because am walking out, doesn't mean I wanted to. But there's only so much a person can take. And I have reached the edge of my patience. 

I wish you happiness in your future without me. But don't even try to be part of mine ever again.

Love you.





Comments

  1. We purchase a fabric of our like, and go to a tailor who knows our measurement...but the final product may be not the best fitting..here the problem is not with the fabric or the tailor...it is just the time which stretched the body. So let going the fabric or the tailor is not the solution, coz, we know very well that, it is not their mistake or nor ours....it is only the situation which just didnt fit in.

    You expressed really well...and there is a undercurrent of emotion, and never erasing love and affection. I love the way you carefully woven the thread of words dipped in an emotion, affection, and attitude.


    Nivi special after a long time.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A humble plea to bullet riders - From a drooling onlooker

Till today I haven't encountered a person who is not impressed by Bullet. The "dug dug dug" sound like beat of a thunderous drums creates an amazing illusion of an impressive rider on the amazing beast.  Before I let you on to my plea let me tell you a bit about the beast you ride with pride. Way back in 1955 The Indian Government looked for a suitable motorcycle for its police and army for patrolling the country's border. The Royal Enfield Bullet was chosen as the most suitable bike for the job. 
You are riding a bike used in many military operations and even in WW II. So please hear a plea of a humble drooling onlooker before you ride on in your pride.
Every bullet rider might not be a bike enthusiast but every biker is a bullet enthusiast. And also every onlooker who gives you a look while you drive with that patented "potato potato" sound blasting through your bike. 
By a unconscious consensus there are certain etiquette you have to follow if you are riding…

IMHO - Blue mug epiphany

I have often heard, "our relationship is solid".. "Its so tight that it is impossible to break it" .. always made me wonder, "Really! solid? unbreakable???". And when I saw people being disappointed or hurt because something changed in the relationship, it made me question it. I know when we say solid, we relate it to strength and dependability of the relationship. Which makes us feel secure, safe. That this is one thing we can always count on. 
I accepted the premise and walked in the same road, but always wondered. You will ask why!.. because we human beings are dynamic, not static.. not stationary. Every moment of our life adds to the vast pool of experience which surely but subtly changes our state of mind, thinking and opinions. Oh there are some exceptions ofcourse, who never deviate from their beliefs, routines and opinions. But I think even they stay strong in their beliefs  or routines because every new knowledge is processed and discarded in favo…

Confessions 13 - Selfish

Did you ever imagine what happens when someone you love dies. When you realize that the warmth of their body will seep away before you held them one last time, the light in their eyes fade away before you saw them smiling for the last time, the beat of their heart will stop before you feel its vibration beneath your hand for that last time.
You knew it would happen someday, I knew it would happen someday .. But I never thought it will happen to us on that day, at that moment. Time being time was cruel enough to not let me even get a good bye before you left, but time being time was also kind enough to not let you suffer in pain.
It took me days to finally utter a word, months to finally breathe without pain, infinite time to spend a moment without a tear. All my energy was spent in convincing the kind offers of companionship that was not needed. After all am an independent person with a strong determined soul. I should be able to shoulder my own pain. Isn't it??!! Or so I thought…