Skip to main content

Confessions of a confused soul - 8

There is a line which is unexpressed but never to be crossed. Every relationship is defined by certain limits, certain untold unexpressed rules. 

You have taken the liberty to cross that many times. But rather than blaming you, I just think I let you cross that line. In a wrong conception that you are being honest with me. That better a honest hurt than a sugarcoated lie. 

But still I am person, person who has emotions, who feels, who loves, who cares and who is hurt. You didn't take that into consideration when you said what you said and did what you did.

You took a beautiful emotion, a heartfelt affection and ridiculed it. I wonder sometimes what made me forgive you all those times when you insulted it, insulted me. Was I so blind to your cruelty ???

Me, who always saw the logic of everything.. How could I not see the logic of staying away from you the first time you humiliated my person. Then I wonder, maybe am not that practical, maybe its a good thing. Because if I had not stayed around, I would have never realized this evil streak in you. I would have always remembered you, missed you and wish with all my heart that we didn't break up. 

I still love you. What I am feeling right now has nothing to do with the fact that I love you and will always love you. Because I still believe that the person I thought I saw in you was not a lie. But I cant let the part that loves you make the whole me into a miserable being who will tolerate the remaining you. 

Because I regretfully accept that there is more than that person in you. Those qualities which I thought were endearing were actually your pride talking. Those words which I thought were highly intellectual were your ego boosting. Those affections I thought which showed you cared about me were actually your way of self - advertising. 

After all this pondering, I still wonder.. I understand I might have misread your expressions, But why did you want to be with me? 

It was like you cant tolerate my presence nor bear to stay away from me. Or was it some sadistic pleasure you got by poking me where it hurt every time? What was it that you got from being with me? You were definitely not misreading my emotions. Which you made quite clear......  Or was I as misleading as you were????

Or am I misreading again.!!!!!

Maybe I am. It feels like our whole relationship is still standing because am not able to let go of you. 

But now, I don't have to worry, overthink or try reading your signals again. Because it is time I walk out of here.  Just because am walking out, doesn't mean I wanted to. But there's only so much a person can take. And I have reached the edge of my patience. 

I wish you happiness in your future without me. But don't even try to be part of mine ever again.

Love you.


  1. We purchase a fabric of our like, and go to a tailor who knows our measurement...but the final product may be not the best the problem is not with the fabric or the is just the time which stretched the body. So let going the fabric or the tailor is not the solution, coz, we know very well that, it is not their mistake or nor is only the situation which just didnt fit in.

    You expressed really well...and there is a undercurrent of emotion, and never erasing love and affection. I love the way you carefully woven the thread of words dipped in an emotion, affection, and attitude.

    Nivi special after a long time.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Confessions - 10 doors

She stood watching the door he had just closed walking out. For a moment nothing worked, her brain, her body, her mind, her conscience.. even her breath had stopped. Then she took a long breath and everything started at a time. The explosions in her mind, the devastation in heart, the thundering thoughts in her brain. All she could do was stare at the closed door. 
Pain pierced through her soul like a hot knife through a wound. She struggled to breath, all she wanted to do was howl at the fate which made her stand here and feel this horrible feeling. But she couldn't produce a sound, even call his name. To call him back to her. 
She collapsed on the floor as her knees buckled. Held her midriff in a embrace so tight. The coldness of the situation was settling there and spreading everywhere. And finally a tear broke the barriers and rolled down. 
The gush of tears which flowed down her cheeks were unnoticed, as her heart cried out. The edge of the pain dulled to a throbbing ache in her…

A humble plea to bullet riders - From a drooling onlooker

Till today I haven't encountered a person who is not impressed by Bullet. The "dug dug dug" sound like beat of a thunderous drums creates an amazing illusion of an impressive rider on the amazing beast.  Before I let you on to my plea let me tell you a bit about the beast you ride with pride. Way back in 1955 The Indian Government looked for a suitable motorcycle for its police and army for patrolling the country's border. The Royal Enfield Bullet was chosen as the most suitable bike for the job. 
You are riding a bike used in many military operations and even in WW II. So please hear a plea of a humble drooling onlooker before you ride on in your pride.
Every bullet rider might not be a bike enthusiast but every biker is a bullet enthusiast. And also every onlooker who gives you a look while you drive with that patented "potato potato" sound blasting through your bike. 
By a unconscious consensus there are certain etiquette you have to follow if you are riding…

Confessions - 11 - seasonal friend

Journal entry - 372
I wonder what power he holds on me. I could never stop his arrival or his departure. He breaks my heart everytime and I swear I will never let him ... Everytime.
He comes when he wants, when he feels lonely. I asked him "Did you miss me?" and he replies "Once someone is yours, you will always  miss them"... I smiled within myself, only to notice later he never answered my question.
He has an alluring charm that I can't escape and to make matters worse when he is here I don't want to escape. And if you think for a moment that he pampers me and spoils me crazy while he is visiting. You can't be more wrong while I rectify you that he never opens his heart enough to show it to me. 
Oh he cares, I know he does, atleast I feel he does. Is that the only thread am holding onto?? 
I wonder how will he respond if he reads this. But then again I know how he will respond, he would say "everything is an illusion, the emotions, the love, the care …