Journal entry - 372
I wonder what power he holds on me. I could never stop his arrival or his departure. He breaks my heart everytime and I swear I will never let him ... Everytime.
He comes when he wants, when he feels lonely. I asked him "Did you miss me?" and he replies "Once someone is yours, you will always miss them"... I smiled within myself, only to notice later he never answered my question.
He has an alluring charm that I can't escape and to make matters worse when he is here I don't want to escape. And if you think for a moment that he pampers me and spoils me crazy while he is visiting. You can't be more wrong while I rectify you that he never opens his heart enough to show it to me.
Oh he cares, I know he does, atleast I feel he does. Is that the only thread am holding onto??
I wonder how will he respond if he reads this. But then again I know how he will respond, he would say "everything is an illusion, the emotions, the love, the care .... illusion"
Oh I get the game now, or so I brazenly challenged him. But I really don't get it. Why does it has to be so vague while all you have to do is smile and care.
God forbid if he ever answers anything in normal way, it might just break the illusion and set me free.
Because while he is here he is all I think, he is all I want. He wreaks havoc in my heart to disappear.. yet again. While I build everything back and still wait at the door for his return ....yet again.
"I don't know who you are still I come, You don't know who I am still you wait" was his answer. I wish I could just once say it to him.
"There are hundred places I wish I could be, yet I stand at the threshold and wait. I know you feel am vulnerable to misery because I open my heart to you. And I will assure you that its you who is more vulnerable because at least I have the courage to open my heart while you close yours and dwell alone. O' my seasonal guest, as you bring the short lived smiles to my life, I wish you would allow me to repay in kind. While you walk away I hope you find it in your heart to trust me once, while I wait for you here at the threshold of my heart"