Skip to main content

Confessions - 11 - seasonal friend

Google images

Journal entry - 372

I wonder what power he holds on me. I could never stop his arrival or his departure. He breaks my heart everytime and I swear I will never let him ... Everytime.

He comes when he wants, when he feels lonely. I asked him "Did you miss me?" and he replies "Once someone is yours, you will always  miss them"... I smiled within myself, only to notice later he never answered my question.

He has an alluring charm that I can't escape and to make matters worse when he is here I don't want to escape. And if you think for a moment that he pampers me and spoils me crazy while he is visiting. You can't be more wrong while I rectify you that he never opens his heart enough to show it to me. 

Oh he cares, I know he does, atleast I feel he does. Is that the only thread am holding onto?? 

I wonder how will he respond if he reads this. But then again I know how he will respond, he would say "everything is an illusion, the emotions, the love, the care .... illusion"

Oh I get the game now, or so I brazenly challenged him. But I really don't get it. Why does it has to be so vague while all you have to do is smile and care.

God forbid if he ever answers anything in normal way, it might just break the illusion and set me free.

Because while he is here he is all I think, he is all I want. He wreaks havoc in my  heart to disappear.. yet again. While I build everything back and still wait at the door for his return ....yet again. 

 "I don't know who you are still I come, You don't know who I am still you wait" was his answer. I wish I could just once say it to him.

"There are hundred places I wish I could be, yet I stand at the threshold and wait. I know you feel am vulnerable to misery because I open my heart to you. And I will assure you that its you who is more vulnerable because at least I have the courage to open my heart while you close yours and dwell alone. O' my seasonal guest, as you bring the short lived smiles to my life, I wish you would allow me to repay in kind. While you walk away I hope you find it in your heart to trust me once, while I wait for you here at the threshold of my heart" 


  1. Butter is there in the milk..but it never shows its presence unless milk is boiled and go to the next stage..but to become butter..milk had to shed its wise, friendship is a kind, where in we cant notice the admiration shared runs under current.

    A nice way to pour the heart out to seasonal friend..:-) the emotions, the words are excellently woven to make it a fine confession....The under current visuals are just popping in front of my eyes while reading it out from the heart..



Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

IMHO - Blue mug epiphany

I have often heard, "our relationship is solid".. "Its so tight that it is impossible to break it" .. always made me wonder, "Really! solid? unbreakable???". And when I saw people being disappointed or hurt because something changed in the relationship, it made me question it. I know when we say solid, we relate it to strength and dependability of the relationship. Which makes us feel secure, safe. That this is one thing we can always count on. 
I accepted the premise and walked in the same road, but always wondered. You will ask why!.. because we human beings are dynamic, not static.. not stationary. Every moment of our life adds to the vast pool of experience which surely but subtly changes our state of mind, thinking and opinions. Oh there are some exceptions ofcourse, who never deviate from their beliefs, routines and opinions. But I think even they stay strong in their beliefs  or routines because every new knowledge is processed and discarded in favo…

Confessions 13 - Selfish

Did you ever imagine what happens when someone you love dies. When you realize that the warmth of their body will seep away before you held them one last time, the light in their eyes fade away before you saw them smiling for the last time, the beat of their heart will stop before you feel its vibration beneath your hand for that last time.
You knew it would happen someday, I knew it would happen someday .. But I never thought it will happen to us on that day, at that moment. Time being time was cruel enough to not let me even get a good bye before you left, but time being time was also kind enough to not let you suffer in pain.
It took me days to finally utter a word, months to finally breathe without pain, infinite time to spend a moment without a tear. All my energy was spent in convincing the kind offers of companionship that was not needed. After all am an independent person with a strong determined soul. I should be able to shoulder my own pain. Isn't it??!! Or so I thought…

Am fine...........

"Hi, friends, welcome to my story. Name is Sangeetha. This is the 143rd day of my hospitalization, am paralyzed from waist down and as far as the whispers go, I don't have much time left to finish paralyzing my whole .......... Sangeetha saw that her mother who was holding handycam was shedding tears silently... "Ma, what happened...???.... Ma, mamma, oh come on, don't cry......... Look at me mom... look am smiling, don't worry you will be fine.... " and she smiled at her mom encouraging her to do the same. When her mother gave the most insincere smile of the world, she said in a soothing voice.  "Okay, close the handycam and come sit by me. We will finish recording after sometime. Now you tell me the story of how you met dad again." Sujatha smiled back to her only daughter and she stopped recording, when she closed the screen the camera was blinking 7:43 a.m. Exactly One year later....................... at 7:43 a.m. Sujatha was standing near the kitche…