Happiness is waiting, Soak no more

She opened her eyes, like awakening from an trance, saw the white ceiling of her room, the brown fan revolving and with it her mind also turned and twirled.

She glanced the room around her, her room, every piece of furniture, every article in that room was chosen by her personally, this is her haven. She created it, designed it, lived in it.

She glanced at her side table and saw the rows of medicines over there. She didnt choose those. She shut her eyes tightly and tried to control her tears from spilling out. But what about the memories. She cant shut them out, they repeat themselves, as they have repeated in her mind from last 5 days.

She remembered the day very well, like a vivid dream. The day which shattered her dreams, the day which shattered her hopes, the day which shattered her future.

From childhood she had always been a healthy person, nothing out of ordinary, always active, never a coach potato. She had been a good daughter, good student, a humble person she was told, then "Why me??" the question that plagued her every waking moment now.

She got up from her bed, went to wash her face, seeing her reflection she remembered, the first time the symptom showed. She was in the office working on a project, when she noticed something was wrong with her, the left side of her body seemed sluggish. She sat down for a moment and relaxed, and let it pass. That day she didnt give it much thought, she just thought she was tired as she was working non-stop on this project.

She cant face her reflection, cant see the woman staring back at her in the mirror, she walked over to her window and remembered getting constant headaches, for hours together, feeling weak, hell even her walking was not normal. Thats when she decided to get herself checked up, she was so sure she was just stressed.

Tears trickled down her cheeks silently.

That day in the doctor's office she was surprised when the doctor insisted on so many tests. She thought he was ripping her off. She remembered looking at him and thinking "bloodsuckers", but she still took all the tests, and even bought the medicines to help her symptoms before she got her test results, thinking all the while when this is going to end so that she can get back to work.  Her manager had "ordered" her that, she is not to come back to work until she gets a clean chit from the doctor.

She felt chilly, she found her sweater among the mess in her room and pulled it over her head.

She remembered how mom and dad had reacted hearing about all these, and how she had laughed and told them not to worry, "it is just routine ma" her was voice ringing in her head now.

She closed her eyes and hugged herself.

Finally after tests and retests and retests, they had confirmed that she had Brainstem Glioma. She had looked at the doctor's face with so much confusion on her face and then he explained that there is a small tumor situated in the brain stem of her body, that brain stem controls heartbeat,breathing, swallowing, eye movement etc., she remembered how he tried to console her telling, there are treatments, surgeries can be done, chemotherapy helps.

She had bluntly asked him, "Will I survive??", Doc was shocked with the direct question, he had answered, "I dont know, lets not lose hope, I have already showed your case file to the specialist and made an appointment for you. You just go there and everything will be handled".

Handled huh.. she snorted, what does he know about how to handle my life.

She doesnt want to sit there anymore, she laid down on her bed.

It was raining that day, as if even god was sad by the news. She had walked home drenching in the rain. That was 5 days back.

Today, She was soaking in her grief, sadness and depression. She walked up to her bathroom to relieve herself and saw the clothes she had worn that day, laying in a soaking wet lump at the corner of her bathroom. She stared at it for a long time, and thought why didnt I wash this clothes immediately, those were her favourite jeans and T-shirt. By now because of the moisture and dirt, the cloth will be all grimy and damaged.

She kept thinking Why did I let it soak in the wet, dust, dirt, and grime. She looked at her room now with new eyes, everything is messy, dust has gathered upon things, clothes are everywhere, books are abandoned on the floor. She remembers thrashing everything in her room as she came home that day.

Now she thought how did i even live in this mess, this garbage for 5 days, why didnt I clean it??

Her eyes went back to those wet clothes. She then and there decided to clean it, clean everything, including her life. She has wallowed in her grief for long, mourned her death before dying, cringed and suffered from the pain before it even started. No, No more, She will soak no more in her depression, in her sorrow. She is going to get up and clean up the mess, mess in her room, mess in her life and mess in her brain. She is going to put her life in a washing machine like those dirty soaked up clothes and she didnt have time to soak any more.

She immediately put those wet clothes in the washing machine and She thought, this is what she needs, she needs to clean up her life, with courage, love and hope. She is going to fight it, fight it till the last feeble breath of her living body. She is not going to let that tumor to define her, She is a daughter, a architect, a good friend, She is Nandini and she will show that tumor that she is a formidable enemy. She will live.